Taming the black dog -- pt 5 --- Doctors appointment.

Went to the doctors again. Since I have been depressed I have been to see the same doctor over and over again. My medical notes must look like some sort of medical A -- Z. Physical symptoms of disease is a common aspect of being depressed. I spent a long time convinced that I had lung cancer. I went to my doctor so many times with imagined symptoms that I really wanted him to tell me that I had cancer just so I could say "Well I told you so".

I took my mother with me this time. I feel that this is affecting her so am going to keep her right in the loop at all times. He has prescribed me anti depressants and I am to report back to him in three weeks to assess any change in my mood. He will then make me an appointment with the local mental health nurse and possibly a psychiatrist to see if any kind of therapy will be affective. I am sceptical, but will try anything now as I need to draw a line in the sand and make a conciouss effort to challenge my state of mind.

blah blah blah

taming the black dog (Pt4) -- lazyness??

Am I depressed of just bone idle? This was my waking thought today. I have never really  thought of myself as lazy -- by some peoples standards I am positively thrusting with motivation. My problem is this, and I think this has been true all my life. I start something and then get bored with it. For instance -- I may think that I want to learn to playthe guitar, and so I will have daydreams about me playing the guitar. I will be in a band, maybe do some busking, be a wow at parties. Playing the guitar will make me feel better and I will write songs about depression and cure the world of all disease....... slight exageration at the end but this is generally how my mind works. It paints a rosy picture of what i dont have. When I attempt to learn to play the guitar I will remain interested until the point where I realise that It's a lot harder than my mind had led me to believe, and now guitar playing has joined the long list of 'things I am going to do'.

When I look at this writing I feel angry with myself as I know that This is a contributing factor towards my depression. All of my life I have started things and got bored. Its probably why I am where I am today in life. I dont think this is the cause of my depression, however it certainly does not help it. Time to change my ways. I think the key for me is to start with small tasks. I have a short story that I have been procrastinating with for ages. I will post it to this blog in two weeks time (Or as near as).

Taming the black dog (pt 3) --- The Hateful inner voice (AGAIN)

Having decided that to give up writing this piece would be adding further fuel to the hateful inner voice.

One thing about talking about depression is that I feel weak. I feel that I should not tell others as they have their own problems -- bigger problems than my own. I feel that I am pathetic and should have the spine to snap out of it and stop being a loser.

The reason I feel this way is because I have a hateful inner voice, maybe even a bully. "Stop writing this shit". Or "No one gives a shit about your pathetic problems" are just some of the shouts it has been dishing out from it's soapbox as I sit here and write.

I sometimes wonder where this hate comes from. Why does my inner critic want to make me feel so bad? I read an article once that we live in multi dimensional space and this space is inhabited by spirits/ energies/ demons whatever you want to call them. These beings attach themselves to people and begin to tell them bad things about themselves which produces negative energy that the entities feed off. If this is so then I feel that I have contributed greatly to the increase of obesity levels of inter dimensional parasites.

While I don't rule this theory out as I have no proof either way, I actually think that my own hateful inner voice comes from a complete lack of self esteem and self confidence. I believe the lack of these two things has been a key component in the recipe for my own depression. I would say that from my teenage years and all through my adult life I have never felt confident in  myself or my own abilities and I totally believe that this is where the root of my depression lies.

The hateful inner voice thrives in failure and fails to recognise achievement. In fact achievements are usually put down to being lucky or 'winging it' and never as a result of hard work, careful planning and downright tenacity. On paper I have achieved many things in life. I have travelled, served in the forces, and helped out in international crisis-is to name a few. These achievements never seem to register though. Its as if the feelings of accomplishment that go with these achievements have been locked away and forgotten -- like at the end of the movie Raiders of the Lost Ark where the Ark is put in a crate in huge warehouse that is filled with treasures.

When I do try and access these achievements I am usually met with shouts of "It doesn't matter" or "you only helped those people out for your own selfish interests" or something along these lines. One thing that I have learned that I need to do is to challenge these thoughts and see them in all their irrational glory. Easier said than done, however I am going to make a conscious effort to do so.

I often wonder if other people have a hateful inner voice? Then I worry that maybe they do but have the strength to overcome theirs. I think people do all have an inner critic, but I also feel that having depression is like handing the inner critic an amplifier and microphone.

Taming the black dog (pt 2) --- The Hateful inner voice.

I had just written a really fucking long piece about the hateful inner voice and how it likes nothing more than to see me fail and I fucking deleted it accidentally.

I am not going to bother again today. So will try again tomorrow.

Taming the black dog...... (Pt1)

It was ten years ago when I first noticed symptoms of my depression. I was in New Zealand on a six week driving and camping holiday. I thought things were starting to feel weird when I got no emotional response from the scenery I was looking at. We have all seen lord of the rings I am sure, and we all know how breathtaking New Zealand is (or should be). While I new it was breathtaking, I was unable to feel it.

I just could not seem to get excited about anything. I was with a great girl who until that point I had had lots of fun with. We were young, free and bound by nothing. we could come and go as we please, get drunk when we want, have sex where we want, it was total freedom -- and yet I could not enjoy it, something had changed inside me.

It was as if a light had been  turned on inside my head. A light that drew my attention inwards, and made me question everything -- myself, my failures, my reasons for being in New Zealand, my ambitions, my hopes, people, life, everything.

People have different experiences with depression, and suffer with it in many different forms. My depression has left me without feeling -- emotionless, flat, apathetic. I always feel as if I am acting my way through life. I feel like a fraud and at any point I am going to be apprehended by the personality police.

I think disconnection is a word that sums up my depression. If i could paint a picture of my depression it would be a beautiful room full of people laughing, drinking and enjoying rich conversation. While I am outside in the cold looking in, unable to take part.

I have started this blog to jot down thoughts, feelings (If any arrive) and general musings about depression and life in general.......... Thats all I can arsed with for the now..