It was ten years ago when I first noticed symptoms of my depression. I was in New Zealand on a six week driving and camping holiday. I thought things were starting to feel weird when I got no emotional response from the scenery I was looking at. We have all seen lord of the rings I am sure, and we all know how breathtaking New Zealand is (or should be). While I new it was breathtaking, I was unable to feel it.
I just could not seem to get excited about anything. I was with a great girl who until that point I had had lots of fun with. We were young, free and bound by nothing. we could come and go as we please, get drunk when we want, have sex where we want, it was total freedom -- and yet I could not enjoy it, something had changed inside me.
It was as if a light had been turned on inside my head. A light that drew my attention inwards, and made me question everything -- myself, my failures, my reasons for being in New Zealand, my ambitions, my hopes, people, life, everything.
People have different experiences with depression, and suffer with it in many different forms. My depression has left me without feeling -- emotionless, flat, apathetic. I always feel as if I am acting my way through life. I feel like a fraud and at any point I am going to be apprehended by the personality police.
I think disconnection is a word that sums up my depression. If i could paint a picture of my depression it would be a beautiful room full of people laughing, drinking and enjoying rich conversation. While I am outside in the cold looking in, unable to take part.
I have started this blog to jot down thoughts, feelings (If any arrive) and general musings about depression and life in general.......... Thats all I can arsed with for the now..
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