Having decided that to give up writing this piece would be adding further fuel to the hateful inner voice.
One thing about talking about depression is that I feel weak. I feel that I should not tell others as they have their own problems -- bigger problems than my own. I feel that I am pathetic and should have the spine to snap out of it and stop being a loser.
The reason I feel this way is because I have a hateful inner voice, maybe even a bully. "Stop writing this shit". Or "No one gives a shit about your pathetic problems" are just some of the shouts it has been dishing out from it's soapbox as I sit here and write.
I sometimes wonder where this hate comes from. Why does my inner critic want to make me feel so bad? I read an article once that we live in multi dimensional space and this space is inhabited by spirits/ energies/ demons whatever you want to call them. These beings attach themselves to people and begin to tell them bad things about themselves which produces negative energy that the entities feed off. If this is so then I feel that I have contributed greatly to the increase of obesity levels of inter dimensional parasites.
While I don't rule this theory out as I have no proof either way, I actually think that my own hateful inner voice comes from a complete lack of self esteem and self confidence. I believe the lack of these two things has been a key component in the recipe for my own depression. I would say that from my teenage years and all through my adult life I have never felt confident in myself or my own abilities and I totally believe that this is where the root of my depression lies.
The hateful inner voice thrives in failure and fails to recognise achievement. In fact achievements are usually put down to being lucky or 'winging it' and never as a result of hard work, careful planning and downright tenacity. On paper I have achieved many things in life. I have travelled, served in the forces, and helped out in international crisis-is to name a few. These achievements never seem to register though. Its as if the feelings of accomplishment that go with these achievements have been locked away and forgotten -- like at the end of the movie Raiders of the Lost Ark where the Ark is put in a crate in huge warehouse that is filled with treasures.
When I do try and access these achievements I am usually met with shouts of "It doesn't matter" or "you only helped those people out for your own selfish interests" or something along these lines. One thing that I have learned that I need to do is to challenge these thoughts and see them in all their irrational glory. Easier said than done, however I am going to make a conscious effort to do so.
I often wonder if other people have a hateful inner voice? Then I worry that maybe they do but have the strength to overcome theirs. I think people do all have an inner critic, but I also feel that having depression is like handing the inner critic an amplifier and microphone.
Keep it up!!
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